This is happening...

Today is a hard day for me.  A really hard day.

In 2008, just before the holidays we found out that my mom has Parkinson’s disease.  That was hard to learn because we had known something was very wrong, but we were hoping to find a way to fix things and you see there is no cure for Parkinson’s disease. 

There have been many ups and down these past 5 years.  My mom is the ultimate optimist and rarely complains.  Parkinson’s affects neurons in the brain.  As Parkinson’s disease progresses, the amount of dopamine produced in the brain decreases, leaving a person unable to control movement normally.  We know there are certain activities that my mom can’t do and we try to plan things that don’t involve much walking, traveling is really hard on her but she is still the same fun-loving, kind and thoughtful person that she has always been.  I know it’s hard for her.  She takes pain medicine every few hours and needs help with most everything.  My Dad is a champ.

I wish I lived closer to her.  When we are around her she always seems to rally as best she can. She doesn’t like to miss out on whatever is going on.  She’s usually the last one to bed, up laughing or watching movies, or talking with whoever is still up.  She’s fun like that.  We’ve all adapted over the years, trying to make things easier for her.  When we come for visits, dad helps with the cleaning, we plan simple meals or often come prepared to help with the cooking – but it’s still hard on my mom.  She never complains though.  She loves her family so much, we all know it.

I know a bit about Parkinson’s Disease.  I know what’s down the road but I don’t like to think about it.  I try not to.  It’s hard.  Every once in a while I have a moment where I am reminded and that is always hard.  There were times when I realized she couldn’t pick up my baby, or walking up and down my stairs in the other house was just too difficult for her, or hearing a friend talk about spending the day at a craft show with her mom and thinking about all the times I have done that with my mom – but now, well – it’s different.

This weekend I had plans.  They have changed now.  That’s why today is so hard.  Not necessarily because my weekend plans have changed, but because I’ve had a heavy dose of reality and it’s almost more of a punch to the gut than the initial diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease. 

You see, my mom needs help with a lot of things now and that is hard for her.  I love her and would do anything for her.  We had planned that I would leave this morning and come to take her to the temple.  I cleared my weekend and planned to leave right after my kids were off for school so we could do a session before it got busy.  Because I needed to be there before the weekend, I was coming alone.  Usually when I go to visit my parents, it’s with the entire family.  Occasionally I’ll take a trip out there with just the kids, but never is it just me.  It’s always busy getting out the door, but I had thought about how I could stay in bed Saturday morning as long as I wanted, maybe I’d take my parents to lunch or help my mom start her Christmas list.  We could watch movies or just visit, maybe I’d help her with some of her cleaning or whatever else she needed help with.  I wouldn’t have any of my kids to distract me from giving all of my time and energy to her.  It was going to be really nice.

My dad called early this morning.  He caught me just as I was heading out the door for my morning run.  He was glad he caught me and said mom had had a really difficult night.  She hadn’t slept all night and had a horrible headache.  He said she probably just over-did it yesterday trying to get ready for me to come - a little cleaning, some grocery shopping and a few things for us to do together he explained. 

“Please don’t come,” was his simple plea. 

“She needs to rest,” he said.  He sounded tired.

I’m having one of those moments.  I try to be strong and stay positive, but sometimes reality hits and it hits hard.  Her disease is progressing.  I just wanted to come and be with her, just wanted to help her.  Now I feel so incredibly helpless and my heart feels so heavy it is painful.  My dad said it was a really difficult night and I believe him.  My mom always rallies.  This time she just can’t.  That’s what is so hard.

This is real.  This is happening.